the life of drew

2004-03-03T15:38:00.000Z

History Of Curry

Curry. A beautiful creation. A large part of this countries tradition now. Where would we all be without a curry and a pint at Archibald Simpson's? The simple fact is that curry is an important factor in the world. The difference between life and death. Without it the world would be in anarchy. So seeing as it is an important part of my life and the fact that this blog needs a lot more posts than it has been getting recently I'm going to dedicate this post to the history of curry.

Firstly what is a curry? Well most people think it is it a mixture of ingredients that contain spices from India like you find at a supermarket. The word "curry" though is not used in any of the languages used in India. A curry to the British man in an Indian restaurant is a meal containing spices cooked in oil with a sauce made out of onions, garlic and ginger. Other ingredients are often yoghurt, cream and nuts. Curry really is an Indian dish, which has been dramatically altered by races all around the world to match people's taste buds. It has been altered so much that it has become very different from the original Indian meal.

People in India and surrounding areas for centuries have made curry. Depending on each area that you are in you will notice large variations all being affected and altered through influences like land being colonised by foreigners, Indian people moving out of the region and certain ingredients going scarce. An example of such an alteration is the famous vindaloo which is a Portuguese meal mixed with the local Hindu and Muslim tastes.

The spread of curry to the Western world was due to the British Imperialism. While in India army personnel acquired a taste for the spicy food and so took ingredients home with them when they were to leave India. With the food being to strong and not quite meeting are usual standard of fish and chips the dishes were adapted.

The reason for it becoming so popular as well is due to large number of Indian restaurants. The thought of it being Indian though is incorrect as the majority are of Bangladeshi origin causing the Indian dishes to be altered to a more Bangladeshi style meal and also influenced to change through the British mans taste buds.

Basically what we know as curry is not an Indian dish but rather a world wide continental dish. All dishes are altered according to local tastes or complete new ones are invented. An example is my much loved and apparently Britain's favourite curry, the Chicken Tikka Masala which is thought to be an Indian meal but is actually a meal made by people of Bangladeshi origin in Britain.

So from now on people I hope anyone who dares think when he is pissed out of his mind that he can handle the hottest Indian meal possible will shut his mouth, as all we have experienced in this country is the pussy weak stuff made for people with delicate mouths and throats.

2004-02-16T21:23:00.000Z

Who Is The Best?

I decided to have a look and try to prove that Jonny Wilkinson is not the greatest player in the world but unfortunately I have failed slightly

Basing it all on Average Test Points Scored he surprisingly comes top of all time. Even more surprisingly is that great legends like Neil Jenkins of Wales comes 10th, Gavin Hastings of Scotland comes 14th and Rob Andrew of England comes 75th.

Despite that though Wilkinson's all round game has been proven not to be that great. For try scoring he has only got an average of 0.096 trys per game. This is far short of the 0.279 of Hastings' and 0.126 of Jenkins'.

So basically if you are out to prove his all round game isn't the greatest then I have proved it. But anyone who believes his contribution to the team is minimal is very wrong as he has the points to prove it.

Here's just hoping that this shoulder injury he is suffering prevents him from playing as well as he use to as it would be a great shame to see the points total of a career which was 1049 held by Jenkins' be taken over by an English man.

Gavin Hastings
61 caps
Test Points = 667
Test Tries = 17
Penalties = 140
Conversions = 86
Drop Goals = 0

Jonny Wilkinson
52 caps
Test Points = 817
Test Tries = 5
Penalties = 161
Conversions = 123
Drop Goals = 21

Neil Jenkins
87 caps
Test Points = 1049
Test Tries = 11
Penalties = 235
Conversions = 130
Drop Goals = 10

Further stats from
www.rugbyrugby.com

2004-02-11T19:14:00.000Z

Enquiry

It has come to my attention from a disgruntled reader that the rule for the lineout was incorrect. After this allegation an enquiry has been done to the running of the site and it has been discovered that this rather well educated chap who shall remain anonymous for legal reasons was partially correct. My lawyers have advised me to correct the error.

Anyone that still disagrees can check it in this site.
Line Out Rules
The area in question is under Throwing in the ball section 6.

Also If you wish to advance your knowledge of the game of rugby then check these two sites. Both have some slightly different pieces as one doesn't always mention how many people can participate in scrums and line outs but the other gives a more detailed look into the rules
Laws Of Rugby
Rugby Rules

I apologise for any offence that may have been caused to any parties because of this error and I shall try and meet the standards expected of me in the future.

2004-02-10T21:03:00.000Z

Six Nations

Four days to go till the fifth greatest sporting competition behind the Olympics, Football World and European Championships and Rugby World Cup in the world starts. Yes it's six nations rugby union the equivalent to Football's European Championships. Despite it being a great sport very little know the exact rules or are that interested in the sport so I have decided to dedicate this post to the education of rugby and prove how it is a superb sport and should only be just behind football in popularity.

The basics of the game are quite simple really when studied but due to the fact they aren't well known many people struggle to follow the game which is partially why it isn't as popular as football. The object of rugby union is that two teams of fifteen play against each other and the team to score the most points is the winner. Obviously there are rules on how to score points and what is illegal so here is a simple description of some rules that people won't know. For anyone that thinks I might have some rules wrong you might want to check as you could be mixing it up with rugby league, which is a slightly different version of rugby.

How to score points.

1. You can score 5 points through scoring a try, which is when the ball is grounded in the oppositions' In goal (The area past the line that the posts are on). After scoring a try you will be awarded a conversion kick, which can gain you a further 2 points. The object of the conversion kick is to kick the ball over the bar and between the posts to score your points.

2. 3 points can be scored through a penalty kick. A penalty kick will be obtained in the same way as in football, which is through a player being fouled. To score the penalty you have to go through the same process as the conversion kick.

3. A drop kick will gain you 3 points. Very similar to a conversion kick and penalty except that with penalties and conversion the kick has to be done with the ball on the ground and with a drop kick it can be done from your hands and in normal play.

How to start the game.

The game starts very differently to what everyone who doesn't play thinks. In rugby union the game starts with one team kicking the ball into the others half instead of a scrum.

Other Basic Rules.

1. The ball cannot be passed forward if by hand. It can only move sideways or backwards. If passed forward, play shall be stopped and a scrum will occur.

2. When a player is tackled to the ground, play continues if the tackled player passes the ball without delay or places the ball on the ground and lets go of it. The tackler must release the tackled player and both players must then get up or roll away from the ball. This usually results in a ruck, which is when a group of players all go in together to gain possession by pushing the opposition away. Players must stay on their feet in a ruck and if someone hits the ground and prevents fair contest to gain the ball for a team it could result in a penalty. Also all players who aren't in the ruck must get to their side of the ruck to prevent offside.

3. When a player is held by an opposition player but not tackled to ground and other players join in it is called a maul. In this case no one is on the ground and the ball can be held in a players hands. Sometimes the ball is kept in the maul as a way of players pushing further up the pitch. When this advance stops the ball has to be released and if not a scrum will occur with the opposition throwing the ball in.

4. A scrum is when a group of 8 players from each team crouch and bind together and compete for the ball with their feet only. If a team cheats a free kick (can tap the ball with the foot and then pass to continue normal play or kick long. A goal cannot be scored though) or a penalty can be awarded depending on the scale of cheating.

5. When the ball goes out of play a line out will be done. The team that didn't put it out will throw in the ball (unless the ball was played out through a penalty where the team that took the penalty will throw it in). 8 players from each team make 2 lines a meter apart and the ball will be thrown in. The two teams will compete for the ball and two other players lifting another player higher into the air is allowed.

6. When a player kicks the ball his teammates in front of him are offside preventing them from challenging for the ball until the kicker runs past them to put them back onside.

Now that you all know the basic rules of this sport I hope to see many of you watching the opening game between Scotland and Wales, which will hopefully be an absolute cracker.

Further Rugby Posts To Come.

2004-02-07T16:14:00.000Z

How Dare They Not Play Football On The Radio

I’m just not in a good mood at the moment. I’ve just finished a hard morning at work to come home to a radio that won’t be playing the god damn Aberdeen V Falkirk game. Instead I have to listen to some golden oldie playing some random very old and not that great songs. Why? Because Northsound 2 can’t afford to put on the commentary. What the hell are they playing at. The station only gets 3 listeners at a time usually unless they put the football on where they will attract a hell of a larger number. It’s just driving me nuts. Local and regional radio stations don’t have a clue about entertainment. What is the deal with them playing songs that never made it huge. Fair enough if they were to play old classical music by folk like Beethoven, Vivaldi or Wagner who are considered the greatest composers in history. They could play what I and the majority of people who read this site would like to hear which is a bit of old rock music like Rolling Stones, ZZ top, Rainbow and Bad Company who play in front of crowds that sell out Wembley. They could also play your current pop and dance stuff (Not a favourite of mine so don’t start thinking I’m lame) like Liberty X which although not established as a great group would attract a large number of kids into listening to the radio. None of these though are quite like the rubbish that local radio stations play. The best thing to come out of Northsound 2 is Cliff Richard who at one time was a big hit but is now struggling to sell out pub venues in Birmingham.

In my attempt to hear the game, which is only conciliation to actually travelling down to watch it, I have started searching the web to find somewhere that may meet my required needs. So far I have found BBC Scotland, which does commentary of all the matches today and is accessible to all if your lucky enough to get the damn real play software, which is needed to listen to all the games on the site. You follow the instructions given and yet it still doesn’t work. I think someone is out there to really piss me off. Apart from BBC there are many other sites claiming to have commentary to only reveal that it is supplied to them from the BBC and so you have to download real play. Can’t the SFA supply its own radio services for its site.

So I’m now left to sit back and watch the round up shows on Sky and BBC. At least I suppose I have a night out in the town to look forward to and relieve me from the stress of finding some way to listen to the football. Going about the pubs with wet feet because of the snow outside though doesn’t lighten my day up though. Beautiful snow. About a week worth during my exams wasn’t good enough for it. It might not be to heavy this now but it’s still enough to agitate me. I just hate the idea of me getting of the bus later on tonight at the centre of Ellon and walk all the way home in a blizzard in a horrendously drunk state. Then wake up the next morning to find myself suffering from the flu and unable to do anything for a couple of days.

Maybe I’m moaning too much. At least I have a week holiday from work, which will allow me to see the Rangers and Aberdeen game on Valentines Day. A day of great passion and romance, which will be wrecked because of two sides, that really wants to knock the shit out of each other for buying the wrong present as well as the actual football getting quite heated.

I think I’ll let you all get back to reading every one else’s blog. This post was really just put up to have something new for people to read and not really entertain. Will have something up at that is reasonably entertaining some time soon though.

2004-01-30T20:55:00.000Z

Tonsillitis Is A Right Sore One On The Throat

What a pain my throat has been recently. You wake up one morning to find yourself losing the basic ability to drink a glass of milk with out excruciating pain when swallowing. You go look into the mirror to find out what the hell might be at the back of your mouth to be greeted by some lovely yellow, grey, and white membrane making itself a home on a rapidly expanding red thing (it is a lovely sight first thing in the morning). It does not bother me to much to think my mouth is a nice place for something to want to stay in but it is not welcome if it stops me from being able to eat a nice, greasy and heart disease causing bacon roll.

So you go down to the doctors to find out what it is. I sit there in the waiting room with some little bugger shouting his lungs out and throwing that little bead thing with the curvy bit to push it around all over the place. Wish I could do that (yes both, I am still a child really). I have been left for the first time in my life difficult for people to hear and understand through the loss of my voice (makes a difference from not usually being able to understand me because of the lack of ability to put 2 words together). The anger builds up because of that little brat and you just want to tell him to shut up but ca not because his mother is looking directly at you. Does she say anything to the kid to give the patients some peace and quiet, which is what someone ill expects and needs? Of course not. She has become the new breed of parent, which we never had and would never want. Yes this is the ones that go around with huge bright jewellery including some nametag around her neck, which is what her son and daughter are also wearing (social services probably take them away from the mum so much that she needs them to wear it as to remind her what each ones name is). On top of that she had a bright coloured tracksuit on and a Burberry scarf. Maybe I am reading to much into this but when I finished with the doctor and went past the waiting room on my way out the woman and kids had gone and so had the bead game (probably a bit of ambition from the kid to follow his dads footsteps).

Next I am in the doctors office explaining what is the matter with me. He takes a look into my mouth and comes up with the conclusion of it being tonsillitis. He then starts up this conversation.

Doctor: "Hope you have been taking some aspirin to help ease it recently."

Drew: "Tried but its become so bad I ca not swallow the tablets."

Doctor: "It did look quite bad back there. I will put you on some tablets."

Drew: "Did you not listen to me? If I ca not swallow aspirins then how am I going to swallow any other tablets?"

Doctor: "Good point. I will put you on some mixture."

It is nice to see after this conversation that we can get great treatment. It is either they have not got a clue about medicine or have absolutely no common sense.

So since Monday I have been taking this mixture for my tonsillitis and I can unthankfully say it is not working as well as I would have liked. I can now swallow stuff but it is still painful when it is a solid, which is going to be a hinder for my 19th on Saturday. But if this goddamn infection thinks it is going to stop me munching on a kebab then it's got another thing coming. Nothing can stop me or any man for that matter of being able to eat such a great and succulent piece of food poisoning. It might be painful but for a kebab I could handle any pain just to get my hands on it. If this tonsillitis has picked me though to wreck any chance of pulling a bird on my birthday then it is wrong again. I can do that easily myself so do not bother giving me help.

2004-01-29T15:41:00.000Z

Under Construction

Hello my followers. As you can see I've tried to redesign the site because I hated that damn green thing that was a standard template of Bloggers so I decided to make my own. I know it's very basic but I've got a few more things to still do to it but I'll get that all done when I have the time. Apart from the very last Archive link all the rest seem to be in the new template style so hopefully I can get that sorted out. Until a later post, which should be tomorrow when, my last exam will be done its see you later

2004-01-28T18:44:00.000Z

Spelling And Misuse Of Words

It has come to my attention from a disgruntled reader that I have made an incorrect use of a word in a recent post. After this allegation an enquiry has been done to the running of the site and it has been discovered that this rather well educated chap who shall remain anonymous for legal reasons was correct. My lawyers have advised me to correct the error and issue this statement.

Vacate

1.
a. To cease to occupy or hold; give up.
b. To empty of occupants or incumbents

2.
To annul; to make void; to deprive of force; to make of no authority or validity; as, to vacate a commission or a charter; to vacate proceedings in a cause.

I apologise for any offence that may have been caused to any parties because of this error and I shall try and meet the standards expected of me in the future.

2004-01-28T00:37:00.000Z

I'm Back

Due to exams, heavy drinking and technical difficulties with my account I've been struggling to find the time to put anything up. Seeing as I'm close to normality and this Blog is in desperate need of new material here is what I've written so far on my Tolbooth Crews Tale.

Also folks its my 19th on Sunday so I hope everyone can manage to come out into town on Saturday night.

The Ellon Tales- The Tolbooth Crews Tale (Work In Progress)

The clock in the Tolbooth hits midnight and the gang lift up their drinks to each other in celebration. The date has now hit 25th December 2023 and the whole gang known as Ellon Academy 6th year class of 2002-2003 are back together for another reunion night for the 20th year running. Many things have changed since that first reunion night back in 2003 where many a people got mauled.

Firstly Bill the barman has now retired taking away his unmerry gang of barmaids whose sour face resulted in many drinks coming back up.

An Allan Wales now owned the bar. A man who often occupied the bar in his young age and was part of the historic gang known as The Tolbooth Crew who made the bar known worldwide. His first job in his revamping of the bar was the introduction of Carlsberg Export on tap and the rid of everything else. After a couple of weeks of bad sales it hit him that this wasn’t the ideal tactic and so other drinks were introduced but a hard line was kept on keeping Carlsberg Export the only drink on tap. Next on the list was a ban on all males purchasing poof juice or larger tops, which didn’t go down well with Ander. Ander fought with Wales for numerous months over this hard line ruling but at the end Ander gave in realising that the Booth was now the big thing in the North East attracting many a young lassie. Due to the introduction of new licensing hours in Scotland the Booth was made the first 24-hour bar in this country putting to an end the stupid drinking your beer up quickly time of eleven o’clock that Bill had in. The booth was also expanded into a nightclub with two different rooms. The new bit was the dance beat part playing Fatman Scoop once every hour with the volume turned up for the chicken head line. The old part of the bar was kept the way it was with the same CD playing every night for sentimental value. The Booth was also changed to a sport bar with all the pictures of old Ellon taken down and replaced with memorable moments from the very first Chappy hunt invitational.

Some of the merry gang known as The Tolbooth Crew still remained strong regulars in the Booth. Beefy, Drew, Snail, Downie, Cheesy, Graeme and Fish occupied it every night apart from Monday night where they visited The Ministry. Other known members like Kara, Rebecca and Morna were seen now and again but Coonan hadn’t been seen for some time.

The last time anyone had seen or heard about Coonan was 10 years ago during a severe drunken night out on the town. The rumour that had circulated the streets was that on her way home a priest decided to take advantage of her vulnerability. He snatched her and threw her into the back of his camper van which was now a mobile church and drilled into her the Word of God and made her repeat what was in the Bible to pleasure him. Since that day Interpol have done a worldwide search for her but no findings have been made. One day though an apparent sighting was made of her by Kara in Ethiopia where she had now became a nun known as Celibate Coonan doing aid work for the starving.

Kara was out in Ethiopia as part of her voluntary work for the Red Cross. Ever since she was little she was obsessed about looking after people and making sure everyone was well and safe. Before going out to Ethiopia she spent much of her time doing other charitable work. During her spell at university she helped rehabilitate victims of ned attacks down in Glasgow. The hours were long and the stories horrific. For Kara these stories had severe affects on her sensitive emotions leaving her scared and mentally traumatized for life. She requested to be moved to another sector of the Red Cross and so was moved to help persuade prostitutes to change career paths. It was here that she and the rest of Ellon discovered that Morna really did live up to her name.

Morna or better known as Sleazy Mo The Brothel Ho by her customers had turned to prostitution in an attempt to pay off the tuition fees which the Scottish Government wouldn’t pay as the useless post office lost her application. It started off only as a way of making extra money but when looking at the amounts she was being offered it was to hard to go back on the straight and narrow. First the addiction of her sex antics started with her doing it full time as well as a bit of lap dancing in the fantasy bar during the summer period. The enjoyment of it got too much for her and with the possibility of higher rates, more customers and the fact the police were on her (in more ways than one) she moved to Amsterdam to further her career. After a couple of years the money mounted up, her ambition got bigger and the fact she was worried that one of these days she might get STD’s off of one of her clients she decided to open up a brothel where she employed young smutty woman desperate for money to now do her dirty work. Good old Morna very seldom came back to Britain because of her antics apart from the reunion and only really spoke to Rebecca whenever she came to Amsterdam for the big European games.

Rebecca was now living the life of luxury and nice wine. Rebecca had now been married with Kenneth for 15 years and had become rich off of the Scottish legend. Yes Kenneth has come a long way from his old days as a youth player at Dunfermline. He hit it big in his senior debut for the Fife club when they took on Real Madrid in the Champions League (Rangers and Celtic being expelled from all European competition due to Rangers fans involvement in helping the English riots in Euro 2004 and finally UEFA realised Feenians don’t get). In the very first minute he snapped Beckhams leg causing the English captain to retire and Kenneth to become a national icon. Since then he has gone from strength to strength. First getting a big money move from Dunfermline to AC Milan, receiving big money sponsorship from Brylcream who viewed him as the ideal replacement for Beckham and at just the age of 25 he became the most capped player in the world. Just last season he retired after winning his 6th Champions League title in a row and leading Scotland to win their first ever World Cup. For Rebecca though it wasn’t as comfy a ride. The move to Milan allowed her to become a fashion icon. She now became the Posh Spice of Scotland. She started off as a supermodel for Calvin Klein appearing on all the big billboards advertising their clothing and bathroom luxury products. The money and stardom got to her and her obsession with her slender figure led to her becoming an anorexic. A couple of years ago she came through her rough spell and then had her first baby who she named after the place it was conceived like the Beckhams did with Brooklyn. She was called Minky as her and Kenneth were in the Parkhead area after a friendly game with Celtic.

That very same night the new tatty muncher owner Fish was in the crowd. It had been a dream of Fish to become the Celtic owner as well as winning the biggest sport competition in the world known as the Chappy hunt. Both his dreams were met with him being one of the most respected members on the hunt circuit and being one of only 5 to have entered the hall of fame. His career was at its peak when in the first phase of the great competition he became the only driver to ever open chappy’s Micra’s bonnet and wrench out the battery from it at the high speed of 200mph. There was a great debate at the end of the competition over whether or not he should have been awarded the trophy as no other participant was able to have a hunt with chappy as rules stipulated that the Micra should not be repaired after each hunt and that Feenians don’t get. Eventually they decided that he should be awarded seeing as it was such a great move to steal the battery and that being a Feenian should only affect football and no other sport. After winning he ploughed his prize money into Celtic football club to try and make them the best team in Scotland and get them re-entered into European Cups.

To be further updated

2004-01-08T13:22:00.000Z

New Blog

For all of you out there who don't have a clue about good watering holes in Aberdeen (I'm talking about you Mark). Then check out this new blog that is written by Beefy, Wales, Cheesy, Dabby, Yann and myself.

Scottish Boozing

2004-01-02T17:39:00.000Z

Hogmanay

Surprisingly one of the greatest nights out ever and yet some of the unlikeliest party animals ever.

The night started off with Mechie and I heading to the Tolbooth for a much-needed pint of beer. When entering the great establishment Ellon suffered a power cut leaving us in darkness. The Booth was in an eerie quiet mood with the numbers of Christmas Eve in disappearance. Those to be seen were Bill and his 2 barmaids, the woman at the Bookies and The old man in the corner with glasses who seems to always sit in the same seat. Due to the lack of power the tills had gone down forcing myself to raid for loose change to buy my pint, as they wouldn’t give me a short-term tab. Thankfully the excessive amounts of coppers got me my own back as she took ages to count it with a lack of light. After about half an hour the lights came back on making me a delighted man as I could finally walk down to the toilets without the worrying thought of someone following me without me seeing. Unfortunately this delight was destroyed as Mechie saw it as a good moment to tell me that the rebels of Hardy and Goldie were going to be joining us. Ahhh.

These 2 quiet lads joined us about 45 minutes after we arrived at the Booth to be greeted with a “ID lads”. Ha ha. What a Beautiful thing. No one gets asked for ID here for Christ sake. We were also joined by Mouse and Barry in the Booth with Podgy Pete and Noddy also giving a quick visit. The booze started to flow and surprisingly Hardy and Goldie could banter although it still didn’t meet Booth standards. At about 9 o’clock Kara came in with Lee and his mates and Lauren and Graeme came in leading to further banter.

Unfortunately the Booth closed at a disappointingly 10.30 resulting in Mechie, Barry, Mouse, Hardy, Goldie and myself to head down to the Ned Inn where we were now joined by Manson and his work mates, Cheesy, Tina and HANZA. Also to be seen was Comical Ali from Ali Babas who chatted to me about how the other Kebab shop in Ellon was shit. His intense hatred off the place was seen, as he would never mention the F word. Further drink flowed and hot slappers to eye up were in good numbers as well as hinging ones. After a couple of beers and sleazy chat up lines to Fiona Geddes which didn’t go down well with her older clients we embarked on our most deadly mission of the night. Going to FANDANGOS.

Surprisingly it wasn’t too bad. Yes full with neds but because it was Hogmanay it was full of many other people to who I knew from the Years above. The night went well apart from I was now down to £20 and the bank machines weren’t working. The only option now was to drink straight spirits. Thankfully the booze from earlier destroyed my taste buds and so it went down with ease. The music wasn’t to bad and accompanied with my drunken state I was up jumping about all over the place. The birds weren’t too great but with booze at your side you can easily forget all about that. But most surprisingly of all wasn’t that FANDANGOS was pretty decent but if you can get Hardy and Goldie drunk you can get one hell of a good laugh out of them and some free drink.

The night was quality and to mark it all off I woke up with one hell of a sore face which is always a good sign that sleazy drew was out in force with the ladies. Anyway hope the rest of you have some good stories about Hogmanay escapades.

2004-01-02T16:49:00.000Z

Overdue Post

Happy New Year to everyone. Hope you had as good a one as I did. I know I haven't blogged for a while but I have a lot to put up including a very large extension to my earlier blog The Future and a further update to Chappys Tale. Hopefully if I find some time in the next couple of days I will be able to publish a lot of these.

At the moment though I want to tell you all about how I think I got the oddest gift for Christmas. It's a money pouch made out of a Kangaroos scrotum.

Will have something worth reading up later on tonight for you all so stay tuned.

2003-12-25T11:44:00.000Z

Ho ho ho, Merry Capitalism...I mean Christmas. Hope everyone had a good night last night. Apologies to all females that I may have tried the sleaze with (Christ there was to much sleaze for me to remember it all). Please don't get the courts to make me stay a 10 mile radius away from you people. It was just the drink talking and doing other things. I'm not usually that bad. Well maybe I'm worse when I'm sober actually. Anyway have a good xmas and see you all again soon.

2003-12-22T14:35:00.000Z

The Management Tutorial Divide

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a number of weeks but I’ve always had other things to write up which I knew I would quickly forget unlike this blog.

Every 2nd Friday I have a management tutorial which hosts some of the most bizarre and fanatical behaviour I have ever seen. The room we use for our tutorial is hardly ever used so 20 minutes before it starts the group emerges in for its fortnightly battle. Firstly we have 10 Irish lads in this room who make Mr bigot George Nixon look fairly liberal. 4 of the lads are Catholic and the other 6 are strongly Protestant. Before everyone else shows up severe abuse is exchanged and each side is throwing plastic bottles with paper stuffed in it, which is supposed to resemble a petrol bomb.

This fighting amongst the two divides is shortly put aside when the 3 Chinese girls and then I enter the room. Their hatred of each other is now put towards us four due to me being a non-believer and the other 3 being foreign and having no interest in the political situation of Northern Ireland or Ulster depending on your opinion. Their excuse for this is although they hate each other they at least believe in the same god. Trying to escape this abuse I try to get into the good books of the Catholics by telling them I support the Republic of Ireland in the football and hate the Huns just as much as the Celtic seeing as I’m an Aberdeen fan. My pleas for mercy are greeted with jeers and taunts from the Rangers section of the crowd and no sympathy is received from the Celtic area.

After this short interval of abuse to the Non-Irish the sectarianism begins again. At the same time my friend from Huntley who some how thinks he is a member of the Russian mafia enters the room. In between taunts and missile throwing he acts as a salesman to both sides offering former soviet weapons like AK47’s which are highly likely to jam due to poor care, lack of investment to repair them and cold weather.

Then the Greek Tutor enters and the room turns to complete silence. Communication is now done in whispers and hand signals to each other. It is now that the entire room finally unites with everyone despising the tutor because he belongs to the Orthodox Church. “At least our sides have a shred of sense but the orthodox are just arseholes who have to be different from the rest of the Christian population” Comes out in a delicate soft voice from both the IRA and UDA wanabes. An hour is now spent with us all giving the tutor the finger behind his back and the odd lapse in unity resulting in a red hand here and there.

The tutorial then ends with the Irish guys agreeing to go to the Red Lion for a quiet pint and then pick up again from where they left off in the next tutorial.

2003-12-21T12:51:00.000Z

Saddam

Is it just me or does anybody else wonder how the conversation between Saddam and the hairdresser went when he got captured. Well maybe it was just me but this how I think it might have gone.

Hairdresser Assistant: Could you please move to the seat over at the back and someone will be with you in a minute.

(Saddam gets up from the waiting bench where he was joined by the likes of Milosevic and Raznatovic)

Saddam: I had a better war than you two did. At least I didn’t have the French backing the Americans.

(The Camp Hairdresser walks out of the staff room and towards the reception)

Camp Hairdresser: Who do I have today then?

Hairdresser Assistant: Saddam has just come in and is already sitting in his seat and waiting.

(Camp Hairdresser walks towards where Saddam is sitting and looks in astonishment)

Camp Hairdresser: Oh Saddam. You really have let yourself go since you’ve been ousted out. It’s all matted and dirty. I’m going to have to give you a right good makeover. I think I could cut a little bit off there and a bit here, then add some highlights and you could make yourself look oh so handsome again.

Saddam: Sorry but the Americans told me I have to get the standard POW haircut of getting it all shaved off.

Camp Hairdresser: I’m just wasting away here. I have so much talent and yet this American government has degraded me to this kind of a level. I use to be one of the best hairdressers in the business. It was I, who invented the Gareth Gates haircut style.

Saddam: I think that explains why you’re working here now. It prevents you from giving people any bad haircuts.

Camp Hairdresser: You’re so mean. Just for that I’m not giving you that manicure you wanted.

Saddam: Damn. I so wanted to look good for my public trial.

Camp Hairdresser: So what have you been doing since the war started. You went all quiet on us.

Saddam: Just digging a hole and hiding in it.

Camp Hairdresser: How was that going for you then?

Saddam: Not to bad. If you American pigs had just waited another couple of days I would have beaten David Blaine.

Camp Hairdresser: I know. We Americans just love to spoil your fun. Plus Blaine is an American and we can’t have you beating us.

Saddam: Any Gossip.

Camp Hairdresser: Plenty. Bush still hasn’t found those WMD’s. The country is likely to vote him out because of it.

Saddam: My plan worked. I knew he wouldn’t look for them in Syria.

Camp Hairdresser: Oh Saddam. You’re so easy to break. You’ve just won Bush another term and embarrassed the French.

Saddam: Fuck.

Camp Hairdresser: That’s it finished now. You can go back to your discussion with Milosevic again.

Saddam: Thanks. How much does that cost in your American dollars.

Camp Hairdresser: For you Saddam, nothing. You get it for free from the American government along with your beautiful prison, which is actually a mansion, your prostitutes and your bent judge who will not sentence you to death.

Saddam: You Americans aren’t that bad actually. Have a nice day and hope your not to busy.

Camp Hairdresser: Don’t worry it’s quite a quiet day. Only have you, Milosevic and Raznatovic on the time sheet. Bin Laden is down on pencil but he keeps on missing his appointment.

Saddam: That Bin Laden just loves to spoil your day. Bye

2003-12-15T09:03:00.000Z

Essay Mark

As I type this I am currently in a computer practical with all the work already finished. Seeing as I have nothing to do I thought I would tell you about my pain.

This morning I finally got my top class management essay back. It was of such quality that it would have made our great capitalist, tuck shop owner, Beefy proud. It took an entire week of research and writing to bring it up to high standards.

Unfortunately for me my Greek tutor who was marking it thought otherwise. He gave me a pathetic 14 out of 20. How dare he insult me with such a grade. Who does he think he is. The disgrace of it all. Usually I'd be happy with such a mark but not today. This was quality stuff.

I'll leave my moaning at that seeing as I should make myself look as if I am doing work. I have my Greek boy next and I'll be expecting a good explanation from him for the ridiculous mark.

2003-12-07T21:49:00.000Z

The Future

Scandinavia will be the next target of the Americans war on terror as it’s the believed headquarters of Al Qaeda. It is later found out by Bush that the group isn’t spelt IKEA after finding the headquarters full of fancy wooden furnishings.

The next President of the USA shall be Hillary Clinton followed Bush’s wife, followed by the Clinton’s daughter Chelsea followed by Bush's daughter followed by…(I think you get the idea).

Scotland and England shall become independent states, as a nuke shall be dropped on Bradford, as it is the believed hiding place of Saddam. This creates a huge crater in the North of England, which fills up with water created by the melting of the North Pole ice capsules caused by a hole in the O-Zone layer.

Scotland becomes a communist state run by a black, gay, male, Jew who happens to be making love with George Nixon.

Beefy shall be the majority shareholder in a corporation on the Stock Exchange, which specialises in Tuck Shops at schools.

Chappy hunting shall become the biggest sport in the country as foxhunters find it a suitable replacement to their banned sport. In the Socialist uprising though it becomes band as well as it is viewed inhumane.

After three liver transplants Surgeons decide to make a pioneering operation on Snail, which will make him the first man to have a mechanical liver.

Coonan shall become a nun and vow to stay celibate for the rest of her life.

Sleazy Mo The Brothel Ho moves to Amsterdam to carry out her business activities legally.

Drew shall move to Amsterdam in hope of a discount service from Sleazy Mo.

Wales shall open a bar, which serves Carlsberg Export and nothing else.

Downie shall get his degree and earn £500,000 a year but still is at the limit of his overdraft because it’s “beautiful”.

2003-12-06T17:37:00.000Z

The Ellon Tales- Chappys Tale

It’s 6 am and a young ned by the name of Chappy awakens after a hard night of drinking poof juice and shagging his 14-year-old girlfriend. His mind was in confusion over last nights incidents while putting on his clothes. His current girlfriend had said to him she was a virgin despite being known as the local bicycle. Despite the rumours he believed her until last night when they had sex for the first time. She was so loose that he didn’t even make contact with any sides never mind hearing the little girls bones crunch which was the reason in shagging her in the first place. Was she really a slut like everyone said she was, or was it the fact that his 3cm cock was so small that not even the tightest of pussys would be broken into? No it couldn’t be. Just the other day he was comparing it to his ned friends and it was slightly bigger than the rest. He denied to himself that him and his fellow neds had small dicks and that she really was a slag. At the end of the day tiny tits and no pubic hairs was all you needed in his mind to become a legend amongst neds.

The clock hits 7am and Chappy leaves for work in Aberdeen in his Micra. He puts his foot on the metal and pushes his car as fast as it goes around the Castle Park area. He winds down the window shouting abuse at the local OAP’s about how fast he is going. The old people just laugh themselves to a heart attack, as Chappy still hadn’t broken the streets 20 mile per hour speed limit. He reaches the exit of Castle Park and takes a right to hit the centre of Ellon. Looking in his rear view mirror he notices a convoy of cars that waited at the exit following him. At the front of the convoy is Snail with his new Porch and behind him is Cheesy with his Ferrari, Fish with his unknown car from North Korea, Graeme with his Jaguar, Beefy with his top of the range beaming with Capitalism and business success BMW and a few others who had joined the hunt as a holiday activity as it was the best next thing to Fox hunting which had been banned some time ago. Chappy in his fright takes a detour to try and lose them by taking the same route as he has done for the past 10 years after the first hunt started when he was 17. Turning right at the round about, another right to go past the Tollbooth, then a right at the Junction to head back to the original round about and continue to do the same system over and over again was the route he used.

“How the hell can’t I lose them? How do they know I’m going to take this route every time.”? He shouts aloud to himself. As usual the hunters behind him try to encourage him to go out on to the dual carriageway to get some proper driving done but the Micra wouldn’t cope as when it reach 60mph the heat from the engine being over worked disintegrates the shoddy glue holding his car together.

8am comes along and the hunters get bored of their prey and head off for a few laps of the rally track before starting work. Finally Chappy has the chance to drive on the dual carriageway to work in peace. Hitting the accelerator to the floor in 5th gear he watches the bluebird busses and the old grannies overtaking him. Just because it’s a 70 limit doesn’t mean every one has to go over 40 and overtake him.

He eventually hits his work at 10am, which is 1 hour late.

A Further Update To The Story Will Be Added At A Later Date.

2003-12-03T09:41:00.000Z

Reason For Lack Of Student Life

Finally I got the night I was begging for on Monday but have come to realise why I haven't been out much recently. I feel that it is my Sub-Conscious that is trying to tell me something.

I am not going to go into to much detail about what happened that night but basically Brough, Graeme, Downie and myself went to Ministry for the cheap drink. The night started well until the end where some bitching took place (well myself, Graeme and Downie are exempt).

It is this reason why I haven't been going out. It does not matter how hard you try there will always be bitching even if its completely pointless. The bitching just destroys another wise depressing stand at the bar, drinking pints and saying nothing.

The other factor that has caused the lack of nights out is the simple facts that to many people have split up and gone there own ways. Monday night only consisted of 4 of us. So many good old regulars are missing these days. The day when Wales, Bex, Morna, Kara, Ander, Roscoe and others come back up for Christmas will be a saviour. God it’s so bad that I'm actually missing Janoe and Jilly sucking all my money off of me.

So let Xmas come and prepare for a 4 week piss up seeing as I'm going to have to wait a while for another good time out when university starts again.

2003-11-29T22:10:00.000Z

A Sum Up Of Tonight

As I predicted I have ended up staying in once again on a Saturday night so I thought I would update you on what has been happening in the Muirhead residence (times are not accurate).

7.00: Ma and Pa get into their taxi to take them to my dads work party.

7.02: Opened my third bottle of beer.

7.05: Texted Gareth but got no reply.

7.12: Played Smackdown on the playstation against my brother and kicked his ass.

7.30: Wales phones me up for a night out down at his halls of residence. I choose not to go as I will not get down there till about 4am and I have work tomorrow. Talk about the usual random shit and good times to come when Christmas holidays start.

8.00: Made myself a bacon sandwich but my cooking skills are so shit that the bacon turned to charcoal.

8:02: My supply of Fosters runs out resulting in my fourth beer coming from my dads stash of Budweiser.

8.05: Watched an episode of Friends which unfortunately was 1 of the really shit ones.

8.30: Cracked open another one of my dads Buds and watched an episode of Red Dwarf (So much better than American comedies).

8.50: Watched something on the T.V about Muslims having more than 1 wife. Also got myself another beer.

9.00: Got bored of the documentary and started watching Blackadder.

9.20: Beer runs out. Raided my dads spirits for something to drink.

9.55: Started typing this out.

I’m not going to bore you all to death with a further update of what I get up to tonight.

2003-11-29T18:50:00.000Z

Update On Lack Of Student Life

I am still contemplating why this has happened. Its 6.49pm and so far no drunken incidents in town have been organised. Instead of listening to my Air Guitar CD I am listening to my mum and dad arguing about what they are going to wear tonight. It’s worrying me that this is their third weekend in a row that they have been out. My social life and status has plunged so low that roles have reversed and it is now my dad that does the puking and me that cleans it up after him.

I can thankfully say to you all that I was at the booth last night but sadly left at a baby bedtime of 10.30. Why is this? Fair enough I have work the next morning but back in the good old days I always stayed till Bill threw me out.

I sit here in hope that I can last till Christmas as surely then the banter will be back in full swing. I do not know how long I can last without drunken capades and chappy hunting though. I beg of you people that know me at university to finally get yourself a life and join me for a pint. I am not asking for much, just a pint, I will even pay for your one if you’re that stingy. So please, give a guy on a low his wish. If it were not for local off-licences I would be typing this in a sober state of mind.

Hopefully someone will decide to phone me up for a night out soon but if not (which is highly likely) I shall type something out again later on tonight.

2003-11-27T23:34:00.000Z

Feedback

I have been getting a few e-mails from people at my university about my blog and surprisingly the majority of people have loved it and actually find it humorous. The key attraction for them is my stereotyping of people (including calling all the people in my course Christie clones -they know what he is like as I haveve described him to them and also pointed him out to the odd couple-) and intensive hatred towards neds. Unfortunately a minority (well just 1 out of 15 that have given me feedback) feel it is not politically correct. According to them I should have more sympathy towards my fellow students and try to understand the plight that neds have got themselves in.

I want to thank all of you that sent me compliments and hopefully I will be able to give you a few more stories (I will stop the Christie comments though as you have all redeemed yourselves). To the lone ranger that feels I am scum though, your going to have to put up. I have no room for your geeky, understanding and socialist (sorry beefy I just had to add it) ways. If you are not happy then bugger off to another part of the web and let those who want to read about a hatred of neds to do so in my blog.

2003-11-22T23:07:00.000Z

Student Life (Or More Like The Lack Of It)

Its Saturday night and I’m sitting in front of a PC and listening to my Air Guitar CD. What’s going on? I'd like to say to all of you out there that are getting worried on my behalf that it is just a one off lapse but it isn't. If I wasn't to count fresher week I’ve only really been out drinking 4 times and that includes my weekend down in Glasgow. So how have I, the legendary heavy drinker and up for a night out every night, turned into something I detest.

Well I first started thinking about the fact that I'm doing Computer Science. I'm afraid to say apart from the odd couple of people it looks like the whole place is full of Christie clones (well not quite as bad but fairly close). Last week I asked a couple of the lads to come out drinking with me and they refused, as they wanted to "Practice for my JavaScript test". For Christ sake it was in 2 weeks time and an absolute piece of piss (It was the first time I've ever used JavaScript so how the hell these guys who boast about using it for 3 years now needed to revise I’ll never know). So I came up with a conclusion that there geekeness is rubbing off on me, but on further examination it can't be as the Irish guys I mainly hang about with are getting pisssed in lectures never mind night outs and Mr Goode who is also doing my course never seems to show up to lectures.

Could it be the fact I've been doing shit loads of overtime at work. Certainly counts for why I haven't been out during the week as the only time I have had off recently was for the Scotland game on Wednesday night (I'm not going to further details on that night as it was a rather painful experience). But it doesn't count for Saturday nights as I have that off every week and money isn't an issue as I’ve been making £80 a week recently.

Basically these were the only things I could really see as causes but at the end of the day I have no excuses. I have let the drinking community down and I need to hurry up and make good use of 1st year at university as it won't be long till its over. Hopefully the next post will be one of a more happier and drunker mood but until then its see you soon from a sad, depressed, sober drew.

2003-11-20T22:18:00.000Z

A Curse

I have now decided that I have been given a curse, as my life is full of suffering and pain. For you who don't believe this statement here is the biggest example of what this curse has caused me.

A couple of weeks ago my dad decided that he would buy my mum and me a car to share for Christmas. At this announcement I was over the moon with joy and images of hunting chappy came springing into my head. Of course there was a twist to this present, which will change the whole complexity of the hunt.

My dad had got a good deal with one of his workmates for a car, which he apparently couldn't refuse to pass on. Unfortunately for me its one I would love to refuse. Now people before you start thinking it’s a stereotypical ned car (a nova with a low suspension, alloys, a hole put into its exhaust and a spoiler) it isn't. Although it is widely associated with a specific ned that we detest the most and is mainly a granny mobile (You should get the picture now).

This car is a bottom of the range, 1 litre, 16 valve, red (I sober while trying to mince out the last word which causes so much pain), Micra.

Yes people I shall be the new victim of the hunt with my mates apparently mistaking me for chappy.

What I want to know is what I have done to deserve this curse. Is it my hatred of neds, my loathing of socialism, my despising of peace lovers or boring you all to death with this blog. If anyone has an idea of it and has a solution then please tell me as it will be most appreciated.

On a final note I ask of you to give me sympathy and not to treat me like Chappy, as it is not my fault.

2003-11-04T14:17:00.000Z

Neds Having Excuses

So far my hatred of neds has not been the main topic of my blog (Well maybe has but hasn’t been mentioned quite so passionately as you would have expected) but today I felt a need to expose that neds have no excuse like many people believe.

To start of with the majority of people who disagree with my views on neds feel its down to being brought up in poverty at an early age that has caused them to become this way. They give this reason that it is societies fault for not helping the poor which in turn has caused this anti-social behaviour. Basically making neds helpless victims as well.

All I have to say to these people is bull shit. Do you people honestly believe every ned can use this as an excuse. Think about it for a minute. Ellon and surrounding areas are very prosperous in comparison to areas like Tillydron and yet in recent newspapers we apparently have a ned culture problem.

Then of course you find many a ned going about in their novas, throwing fireworks at police cars and have rather expencive yet tacky tracksuits. Now I know most of you think they steal them but actually a large proprtion is paid for through rich parents or if they are a genuine poor ned (which most of the hardcore are) then it gets paid from their 18 grand a year tax free welfare benefit. No wonder these people don’t work for a living. For someone who completes university they are likely to face an average starting wage of 18 grand gross pay. Once you take off tax, tuition fees, student loans and any other type of student debt it becomes considerably less than that of an able bodied ned (well shouldn’t really but many screw the system).

So people, stop blaming poverty and lets blame the generous governments which we have voted in over the decades for offering hand outs we wanted. Hold on we chose the government and we wanted this system of benefits. Really we should all look at oursleves and proportion the blame between us all. I suppose my view that is isn’t societies fault is wrong and everyone that has been telling me I’m wrong on that matter are right. Only thing though is that it isn’t being brought up in poverty that is the problem but rather being brought up in a culture where money comes in for being lazy. I suppose we are both right to a certain extent and we should all make a comprimise and find a solution (doubt that will happen but oh well).

I here some of you out there saying I’m stereotyping a bit. Well I have to agree to a certain extent. The situations above occour to many a ned but there is just as many actually brought up in squaler. For these people I do have a genuine understanding that all the bagage that accompanies their poverty has an effect on them. Even then though there is no excuse to blame the system. Yes society could do and should do a hell of a lot more for these people but the final decision on whether the person wants to do something or not is down to them. Some people have came from awful backgrounds that many use as an excuse for going nowhere and yet have became succesful without help or the use of violence which this species believes is the only solution to problems.

So to the population of people who thought they could change my hardcore roots are sadly mistaken. So if you're still not happy after that explanation then stop reading this blog and get back to drinking your bottle of buckfast with your apparent fellow humans in the burberry.

2003-10-31T21:48:00.000Z

Compared With A Ned

Last night I was watching the T.V with my parents when an article about neds and anti-social behaviour came up. My mum and dad watched on in disgust over what has happened to this country and its youth and some how decided to take it out on me.

Pa Drew: “Your youth are destroying our society. Hope you feel ashamed?”

Drew: “Why should I? Its not as if I’ve done any of that. I’m not a ned like that lot.”

Pa Drew: “And how are you not a ned? You’re out drinking a lot.”

Drew: “Just because I go out drinking doesn’t make me a ned. You drink to so in your book you must be a ned. The difference between us and them is that we do it in a home or in a bar whereas they drink on the open streets shouting slur at passers by.”

Ma Drew: “Your not much better yourself. You’re rather opinionated and swear to put it across. Your not happy if people disagree with you.”

Drew: “I agree I have a problem swearing and I know it isn’t the mature thing to do but unlike these little ba…d boys I don’t threaten to beat or actually bottle some one if they disagree with my opinion.”

Pa Drew: “What about all these antics you play on people like shoving a traffic cone in a persons garden.”

Drew: “What are you on about?”

Pa Drew: “Don’t lie to me. I did the same thing at your age.”

Drew: “So if me doing it makes me a ned then it must make you one to.”

Pa Drew: “Yeah but unlike neds I didn’t cause any damage like break a window or graffiti something.”

Drew: “Same here. All I do when I very seldom do a capade is do it to a mates house to the same standard as you did.”

Pa Drew: (Starts muffling and looks confused over his next step)
“I concede defeat.”

Drew: (triumphantly thrusts hand in the air)
“Thank you for realising I’m a model member of society.”

Ma Drew: “Stereo Types a bit. Surely not everyone who wears a burberry cap or tracksuits is a ned.”

Drew: “Well not really although as you said they will be stereotyped. We just know them as good neds.”

Ma Drew: “Oh well. Anything else on T.V”

Drew: “Just a Socialist moaning about how the whole world mistreats them and minority groups even though gay unmarried couples have more rights than an unmarried straight one when it comes to wills and other connected things, and.”

Pa Drew: “Stop being so opinionated again.”

2003-10-31T20:01:00.000Z

Halloween

Tonight I’m going to have to put up with little brats knocking at my door demanding candy for nothing (well maybe a shit joke that was worse than nothing). Now as me and most logical people know there is a common sense reason why we celebrate Halloween but seeing as there are people that believe otherwise I did a bit of research to find out the fantasy version. So here are 2 possible reasons for this shit holiday

The Fantasy Version

It all goes back to an ancient Celtic festival of Samhain. For the Celtic it was considered the end of summer and the beginning of the winter (a time of year that was often associated with human death). On this night ghosts returned to earth. The presence of the otherworldly spirits made it easier for the Celtic priests to make predictions about the future. As a way of celebrating they made bonfires out of their crops and animals, dressed up in animal skin and body parts, and had there future told to them by the priest

Romans then conquered the Celtic territory and altered their festival. Two Roman festivals combined with the traditional Celtic celebration of Samhain was there way of integrating the Celtic people with the Romans. The first was Feralia, a day the Romans commemorated the passing of the dead. The second was a day to honour the goddess of fruit and trees. The symbol of the goddess is the apple explaining the tradition of "bobbing" for apples that is practiced today on Halloween.

As we know the Christians then moved into Celtic land. As the Christians have done to all distinct religions they replaced the Celtic festival of the dead with a related, but church-sanctioned holiday. October 31st was now known as All-hallows Eve and November the 1st as All-hallows (a day to celebrate saints). All-hallows Eve was soon called Halloween and was still celebrated in a similar way to Samhain.

The Real Version

Simple really. A good bit of Capitalism at work. A few fat cats saw an opening to make up some rubbish and market it. Look at this chain of events and tell me if you see something that links it all together.

Little kid goes around the supermarket to find ideal costume which mum buy for him.
Little kid goes around people’s houses asking for sweets and other goods, which people had to buy earlier.
People decorate their house with carved pumpkins and other stuff, which they had to buy.
Little..

Yes people it’s the word buy. When you buy a product from some one you will be lining their pocket with money. It’s all a sham by the businessmen of this world just like valentines, Easter and Xmas (I know this might be hurting some of the Christians in this world but Christianity was just some smart man making up a story about a guy called Jebus to earn money).

2003-10-27T21:52:00.000Z

3 Tax Dodgers

Sorry to the few people that actually read my blog but for the past 10 days I have had absolutely no spare time on my hands to write due to working every night bar this Saturday that has passed.

I’m afraid to say that university has been a rather dull time for me as my course is full of Lee Christie clones, neds and Gareth Gates look-alikes. Thankfully there are the odd couple that seem to have some life in them although don’t quite meet the Ellon banter.

Anyway to the subject I wish to mention. On Saturday night I went out for a few drinks at Hogs Head with the minority of normal people in my course before meeting up with the Old Gang. While at the Hogs Head I was up ordering a pint of good old nasty Scottish shit when two randoms started a conversation with me. It was a rather long pointless one with us just discussing how we hate Rangers and other footballing matters and then came the question.

“What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a poor student wasting my money as usual on booze.”

“Fucking tax dodger. I hate your type. Scrounging off the hard working to give yourself a party for four years. Your fucking scum.”

“So what do you 2 do for a living then?”

“We’ve been on the dole for the past 5 years.”

Well I’ve now been told. I’m going to quit life as a student and become a full time well respected member of the dole queue. No point in me wasting anymore of my life.

2003-10-17T16:47:00.000+01:00

Prisoner Of War

Another good old bar with some great food and drink available to select from. Like the pub in my first report it very much specialises in its ales like Bass, Caledonian 80/-, Theaktons Old Peculier and many guest ones. For the beer men like me or the poof juice drinkers there is no worries as they do cater for these tastes to. The bar counter here is apparently the longest in Scotland but I don’t believe this (certainly fair length though). Its given a rather old feeling due to the booths for people to sit with a pint at have been decorated with wooden furnishings. Unfortunately the pub is opened to little shits during the day but thankfully isn’t vacated by many.

2003-10-14T16:45:00.000+01:00

Tollbooth Random Update

Yes people I have been able to get one more bit of information on our beloved random. Unfortunately my worse nightmare has come true. Instead of being an intellect and a member of staff at the university as I had hoped he would be, he is actually a student.

Stay tuned for any further updates if they happen.

2003-10-12T21:41:00.000+01:00

The Tartan Army Banter

Saturday 11th October 2003 shall be one of the most memorable days of my life as i got to go to Hampden to see the great Scots make it to the Playoffs for Euro 2004.

The whole day was brilliant but I'm going to let Beefy write about it all bar the train trip that he didn't paricipate.

It was 8.30 in the morning at Aberdeen train station where a great army known as the Tartan Army were gathering in and around the station waiting for our trip to Glasgow. An array of Blue tops and tartan could be seen (Thats if you don't count 3 neds all in burburry and an out of place goth) waiting in the queue to enter the vehicle that would be our drink joint for the next 3 hours. 8.40 then hit and we were slowly being allowed to enter the train with police doing random searches for alchol that was planned to be taken in. A mass of about 6 bottles of whisky, a bottle of vodka and 10 crates of beer were confiscated before they came to me. Unfortunatly for me one of the slur eating pigs saw me entering an offlicence earlier and so felt the need to search my bag. I thought I had hidden it quite well by putting it in my sleeping bag but obviously this was no ordinary pig going through my rucksack.

Eventually we got on our train with only a very basic ration of booze thanks to some great individuals who did many a thing to get this special antidote pass the police. The 6 carriage long train took off with only 2 pigs on board who went walking about all of the carriages causing us to put someone on lookout so we could hide the booze before they got in. Unfortunatly I was left sober and to make matters worse i was stuck beside one of the three neds who was talking to his mates who were behind us about beating the little man minding his own business last night. After about half an hour the piece of scum had to go to the toilet finally giving me a rest from his "Little shit got his booze nicked min. At least we have our smirnoff ice." Fact is I'd rather be sober than drink that shit. Thankfully a few of the guys in the seats infront of me turned round and said "I can't believe you have to put up with that ned. Heres a free beer for your trouble and you can move up beside us as our mate is close to passing out so we'll let him sleep in the luggage."

The rest of the trip was spent taking the piss out of the English, the random goth sitting by himself. and good old Rio. At one point we made up a song which went to the tune of Old Mcdonald had a Farm.

Old Sven Goran had a team
ee aye ee aye oh
And in that team he had no Rio
ee aye ee aye oh
With a smoke smoke there
And a jab jab there
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere a snort snort.

Old Sven Goran had a team
ee aye ee aye oh
And in that team he had some rapists
ee aye ee aye oh
With a fuck her there
And a fuck her here
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere I'll rape you

Old Sven Goran had a team
ee aye ee aye oh
And in that team he had a David
ee aye ee aye oh
With a we'll strike here
And we'll strike there
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere a we'll strike

Old Sven Goran had a team
ee aye ee aye oh
And with that team he lost to Turkey
ee aye ee aye oh
With a Suker there
And a Tugay there
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere an Alpay

Old Sven Goran made the playoffs
ee aye ee aye oh
And with that team he played Scotland
ee aye ee aye oh
With a Rooney there
And a goal right there
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere a Scotland win 2-1

Old Sven Goran has no team
ee aye ee aye oh

The trip then finished with us getting off the train in Glasgow and showing the world the Tartan Army arrived.

2003-10-08T22:04:00.000+01:00

Glasgow Neds

Heres a link supplied by a man known as Nixon which gives a great insight to Glasgow neds

Glasgow Neds

2003-10-08T21:58:00.000+01:00

The Need For a Good Pub And Club Guide

It has came to my attention that many of the non Aberdeen contingent of the University have been mislead in what is and isn't a good drinking and dancing joint in town. This is why for the next couple of weeks I will be posting certain places that I believe are well worth visiting at some point. For all of you who were wondering what my last pub was then I will surprise you by saying it isn't Archies although that shall come up at some later point. The pub in the last post was Blackfriars.

Today's place for mentioning is Slains which is 1 of only 2 pubs that make the list in the Belmont area.

Slains is a pub in an old Kirk which is very dark and supplies a very ghostly feeling. It has many novelty goods hanging from the walls like a knights armory and very much makes its bar look like Frankenstiens Research Lab with some drinks in beakers.

Now if that doesn't sound good then this should lighten up that much needed spark for you to come. Every so often they hold theme nights for certain dates of the year like Halloween where everyone comes in to do something like dress up in costumes (I would have never guessed that). Also they have there variety of cocktails on offer where if you drink them all you can get yourself a free t-shirt.

Now many of you after all this might be thinking that a bar of this sort will be over priced. Well people it isn't. In comparison to other bars in the area it serves some of the cheapest drinks and its meals are of reasonable price as well.

So people I would advise you to give this place a visit as it is worth it for a good night of banter and starting off point before heading to the clubs.

2003-10-07T18:14:00.000+01:00

Taking The Piss

As I had thought the first few weeks of university would be plain sailing but so far it is just to fucking easy.

Management Studies so far covers what I did in 5th year but thankfully that's partially interesting as some things I can only briefly remember and Internet Information Systems part of the Computer Science Course has been slightly challenging with learning proper use of html, instead of the way I did it which would work anyway. What has really been sleeping time is Information Technology.

This IT course has been forced upon me for the first half of my year as my advisor thought my computer skills weren't good enough despite my B at higher Info Systems (What the hell does he know. Probably never seen a computer seeing as he's from Columbia).

So what is this course some of you might be asking. Well a complete insult at me is the answer. I've been told to work through a workbook which gives advice on how to work Word, Excel, Access, Power Point and Explorer. Fair enough seeing as there might be a few things that I've forgotten from 5th year Info Systems to do with Access but really it isn't fair enough. For the next 4 weeks I'm going to be trying to open and close these programs, learn how to type on them and towards the end if I have time I'm going to learn how to save files.

Now seeing as I have mastered this (I know some of you might think otherwise but I have) you would think I might be able to skip through all this and get stuck into my databases and refresh my mind over Primary and Foreign Keys. Unfortunately not. It happens to be my luck that in today's practical I had a complete prat looking at my every move forcing me to start from the basics. Hopefully I'll get some one more considerate to me and my fellow prisoners pleas to let us work at a quicker pace and just skip this starters crap like everyother practical.

At the end of it all I feel very degraded because of all this and feel my time would have been better spent In beginners English with my Chinese friend (From the looks of my blog I could really do with that course).

2003-10-05T13:34:00.000+01:00

Pubs Guide

I've been struggling recently to think of what to write so today I thought I would write a bit about a favourite bar of mines on Castlegate.

This great bar has won many awards over the years for its serving of quality food and drink. Brilliant ales up for offer are Caledonian 80/-, Belhaven 80/-, Belhaven St Andrews Ale and many others (Beefy will like the sounds of that). Not only that but it also serves typical bottled brand beers and poof juice as well if your not into your ales and many top Czech lagers.

unfortunately like all places it has its flaws. Until about 9 at night families are allowed to take use of the bar facilities causing the possibility of you having to listen to a little brat screaming about how his fish fingers aren't in the shape of Mickey Mouse. Good news though is that not many families take up this opportunity of eating food here and would rather take there children to eat a rats scrotum burger from one of the big fast food chains.

So please people take up this chance to have a pint here whether you are an ale man or homo especially on a Saturday night as you might get a listen to one of the regulars singing a cats tail blow torched on fire version of Flower Of Scotland.

2003-10-03T00:07:00.000+01:00

The tollbooth Random

As many people know the tollbooth is often given a great right to host a complete random who always sits in the same corner with his one pint by himself. The crew have often wondered about who is this man and what he does in life but we have had no success.

Until now. I have discovered he is actually part of Aberdeen University. I know its not much but its the biggest break through we have had in this field. The question now is whether or not he is a member of staff or one of these sad pathetic old students trying to find something to do with there dull existence.

How have I found out about this? Well for the past couple of days I have passed by him outside lecture halls or the bakery on campus which serves steak pies which taste more like onion. Another noted aspect of him is that he seems to have a reasonable memory as on one of these days he gave me a look of acknowledgment.

Stay tune here please as hopefully I will be able to give more info on this unknown.

2003-10-02T23:54:00.000+01:00

Very Very Bored

For the past couple of days in between lectures I have been spending time in the pubs drinking beer, playing pool, playing darts and reading a broadsheet paper. Through the newspapers I have discovered that the world has gone completely mad and here are two stories to prove it.

Teacher Suing

A teacher volunteered to participate in a school charity event where he had to play goalkeeper while students took penalties against him. One such pupil who has now signed for a top SPL club took part and apparently “toe poked” (I know Scottish football is shit but if our talent for the future does this against a non professional keeper then we should be worried) his shot causing the teacher to break his arm and require metal pins to be put in. This has resulted in him suing the school for a large sum for negligence.

I’m no genius but I think this mad. If this goes through then what could happen next, a student who couldn’t be arsed working taking legal action against his school for not passing his exams when the rest of his classmates did. Surely this person has no foot to stand on. It had nothing to do with his job for Christ sake. His contract never included in small printing saying you must participated in a charity football event. The fact was he volunteered and so he should give up his case, as more money will be spent on him than the amount raised by the charity he tried to fund raise for.

Unhappy Pint Puller

This is a story about a landlord who refused to pour beer into pint glasses as his customers spilt large quantities in the pub, which he had to clean up. Instead he sold half pints in glasses just under pint glasses and pints in 2 pint jugs, as it would be harder for a slight nudge to cause it to spill.

He also banned vinegar from his bar lunches as it was considered to cause an awful stench and children as they caused to much trouble.

This has now resulted in this man being fired by the brewery that own it as locals complained. To make things interesting he was fined back in the 1990’s for selling drink as pints in Normal glass measurements.

Again insanity. Looking at his history it was obviously a dumb decision to employ him considering the fact he tried to screw punters out of an honest pint. Don’t employers have any sense these days?

2003-09-29T19:46:00.000+01:00

Missed Lectures But Plenty Of Totty

Today I had my first lecture or at least what I believed was my first one at 9 in the morning. So I get up 6.30, showered, changed, get the bus, get to the uni campus and walk towards lecture theatre 1 in the Metson building. I sit about outside the lecture hall as I am 10 minutes early and wait to see if I can find any familiar faces doing this particular part of my course with me. 9.00 comes and Jen Kerr appears. Hold on a minute she isn’t doing information technology. What the fuck is going on here. Next thing I’m getting medical leaflets which according to the guy is to help me understand my next lecture.

“I’m not doing no medical course” I said

I look round and half are in bewilderment like me and the other half head into the lecture hall.

“I thought this was info tech not bloody medicine” I ask the man handing out the shit.

“Oh sorry, there was a clash and your lecture has been moved else where but I don’t know where”

Well that’s much fucking use isn’t it. So I head off in search to find where we were suppose to be and was followed by 5 folk and the Chinese boy that happened to bump into me during my advising appointment. We searched long and hard going through plenty of bloody places to find out where our lecture was like the office that said “computer science department” which isn’t actually the computer science department apparently (makes as much sense as a steak pie without steak in it).

After about half an hour into our lecture that we weren’t at we lost one of the randoms because she pissed us off and were now standing talking about bollocks and shit. These people were great and the 4 unknowns were hot (don’t worry they are female). The random search finally ended with us finding out our lecture was at the arts lecture theatre and that no one had turned up for it. At the end of it we all exchanged numbers and agreed we needed to meet up some time before our next lecture together on Thursday. We all then split up with me and my Chinese friend left. He seems to be a friendly lad who is quite happy to follow you everywhere. Unfortunately he seems to be a very quite or more likely shy guy around the ladies as he said nothing and left me to talk for him. He also seems to orientated towards his degree and not interested in drinking or playing sports although thankfully he does have a good healthy bit of male blood in him as he pointed out a girl he knew which he thought was nice looking and I had to agree. He then bogged off and left me with 3 hours to kill before my next lecture.

Now usually you would all think I’d have been pissed off over missing an extra 3 hours sleep but at the end it all came out for the best by getting to see some top quality bit of meat.

2003-09-28T21:53:00.000+01:00

Freshers Part 2

Friday

Bit of a dead day I'm afraid as I had work the next morning so there was no random drunken banter. The only half decent thing worth mentioning is a lad that is doing the same course as me from Huntley.

There was about 10 of us up at the management studies department board signing up for 1 tutorial out of 15 times that were available. You would think this would be an easy quick process but with foreigners that have as little respect for me as I do for them it doesn't quite happen this way. A group of 6 Chinese folk were standing around the board preventing anyone from getting in to sign up. We tried the simple diplomatic approach asking them "could you please let us in for a few secs". These evil people paid no attention to us and to make it worse they had already signed up for there stuff and wanted to just stay and chat. Now as you might expect from me I was getting quite agitated by this and was about to open my mouth when

"If you don't move your Chinese reunion elsewhere then I'm going to tell the government your here illegally as asylums" Bursted out of a big lad who was just under the mass of cheesy in my estimations. Bloody hell I thought. The people in the queue looked in astonishment at this with everyone of us thinking "Well done" (especially me) bar 2 who were going about with t-shirts with the Cuban flag on it (don't worry I'm not going into there t-shirts or there views any further). The Chinese took the threat seriously as well and made off

2003-09-28T15:16:00.000+01:00

Freshers
I don’t have much time to spare at the moment so here’s a brief mention of what has been happening in the past 3 days.

Tuesday
Not much really happened during the day, as is the case most of the time. Came into Aberdeen at about 8 am with Leanne Eddie for her appointment and I spent my time waiting for her to get it all done and then went roaming about until mine came at 12.

When waiting in the hall for my advisor I started speaking to a Chinese lad who was about 23 and came from some city near Beijing. During this discussion I found out he is going to be doing the same course as me for the next four years (poor bastard doesn't know what he has let himself into). While talking we mentioned many subjects the main one being football where I thought I could persuade him to become a dons fan seeing as he now lives here. That was shot down quickly as he wanted to support Dundee (yes scum fucking dee) as the former Chinese captain Fan Zhyi use to play for them. Thankfully though he agreed with me that the English were scum, the Germans dive, the old firm are ridden with aids and that we will both be supporting Scotland if they make euro 2004. Unfortunately our conversation was hampered slightly by language difficulties. Not because he couldn't speak English but because I couldn't speak it properly and kept on coming up with words like mukle and bourick.

The rest of this day was a bit dull mainly because I had to go back to Ellon for work till 10. Nighttime though was great with a merry gang of Downie, Cheesy, Tom, Beefy, Wee Yann, Snail, Graeme, Laura, JT and myself going to the union. In there we saw many old school mates like Kyle as the bartender as well as Lisa McNeil with her halls mates and Pauline Murray. To add to this I also bumped into my mates Barny (thankfully he has learned his lessons) and Ramsey from bridge of don. The drink flowed and the banter was unreal up to the point of closing.

Wednesday
Woke up this morning with only getting 3 hours sleep, the worse hangover I’ve ever had (yes worse than the schooner) and with the joiner banging away in the toilet.

Why I came into town this day I don't really know as I had nothing to go and register for but I decided to go with Laura for her advisers appointment. The rest of the time was spent going around the uni to see what was what, watch the Blackburn game at the bobbin and then head out to the bridge of don to meet Barny.

The night started with Barny taking me to one of my old friends from bodas 18th birthday gathering. It was great to meet some of the people there who apart from Barny I hadn't seen since I left to come to Ellon at the start of 2nd year. Once again heavy drinking came into play with a much needed drinking competition taking place between me and two others. We had a 700ml bottle of quality Smirnoff vodka, which we were to share between us 3. So we split the vodka into jugs for equal amounts each and then I started to drink it straight. Looking round me I notice I’m the only one that has so far started. I stop to find out why and realised that these fuckers were quite poor competitors. There idea of a competition was to fill a normal sized glass a 1/4 full of vodka, dilute it with coke and see how many gulps you could do it in. Disgusted by this I decided to really show these guys up and carried on drinking it straight. At the end the statements came

"I did it in 2 gulps".

"Well I did it in 1".

"Yeah well I did it straight you light weight. Now can you please stop the world shaking around me"

The night was then completed with me getting into town at 11 to meet up with Leanne, Beefy, Graeme, Snail and Downie.

Thursday
The day once again has very little to talk about bar the fact I met a hell of a lot of folk from Ellon who are staying up here and a lad called Mohammed from Kuwait who sounded more like he was from south of England.

The night was a very energetic one with me moving all over the place to meet up with people. It started with a few drinks with Mouse, Bobby, Richard, Nick Scott and Danny with the night starting at the union entrance. For some odd reason Danny had forgotten his photo part of his driving licence but had his paper part and thought this would be enough for him to get in. Eventually after a long wait for Danny to accept he couldn’t get in we left to go to Henry JB’s. On route we had Danny on the phone to his dad to come into town from Hatton with his ID and the rest singing tribute and the lumberjack song. Once Danny’s dad came back we went back into the union where we played a few games of snooker.

I then left this lot to meet up with my friends Barny and Ramsy in the Sivells part of the bar where the promotional wheel was. Every half and hour this wheel is spun and what ever drink it lands on ends up being worth a £1. The queue to the bar though was about half an hour due to it popularity so when I eventually did get up the promo I wanted had changed to a vodka and red bull.

I then left this two after an hour to go to the Priory with Beefy, Dom, Johnny, Nick Marr and Laura. This was a bit of a dull time so I left after having a pint in search of others.

So I headed to the Dungeon which is another bar to the union where they had an acoustic night where any random could go up and play a song on there guitar. Here I met Amy Bruce and Anger Macintosh’s daughter. I spent a fair bit of time speaking to Amy and had a wee snigger to myself watching Macintosh getting badly drunk. Then I noticed Snail, Fish, Brough, Graeme, Mouse and a few others were also here so I went over and joined them for the rest of the night and eventually had most people I saw earlier on in the night coming in to the finish the night with us in there.

2003-09-22T11:03:00.000+01:00

Good Luck People

Well freshers is nearly upon us all and I would just like to say good luck and hope to see some of you in the hospital beds beside me at the end of it all. To all of you staying away from home I’m hoping so far that your new flatmates are a great laugh and aren’t anywhere as bad as wales famous character gaz batterson. To all of you still in Aberdeen could you all do me a big favour and check all the gutters you pass to make sure I’m well and get me a taxi home (If unconscious you have been given the right to kick me in the genitals to get me to wake up). And for me, well lets just hope that lee christie isn't doing the same course as me. So with a bit of regret and also plans of enjoyment it’s cheerio for a couple of days as my next post might be on Friday but most likely next Monday.

2003-09-21T12:23:00.000+01:00

A Compliment From A Ned

I’m guessing very few people have read this blog yet but I’ll carry on typing stuff up anyway so when star hopefully slates it on starsite and supplies a link people will bother to read it.

Anyway last night like most nights this holiday I made my usual visit to the tollbooth this time to meet up with shaw, richard, noble, bobby and horn. On route to my local and possibly my future grave I came across a worthless bourick of some 15 to 20 neds that were still young enough to wear nappies or at least mentally were. On walking past insults or at least attempted insults were thrown at me from this crowd of poof juice drinking down outs.

The first such insult that came from one of the loud mouths trying to make himself look manly in front of the little girls was “wank, wank, wank”. I did not bother replying to this one as really it wasn’t worth it but how he thought this insulted me was hard to understand. The fact is I’m a male and every male wanks because they have the dick and balls to do it unlike this bunch who have been left without or are still waiting for theres to drop. So at the end his attempts have made me look more of a man than him.

The next one to be thrown at me had to replied to though. “Educated bastard” came out from this hole in someone’s face. If this was meant to offend me then he has made a bad attempt at it, as I took it as more of a compliment. To have someone out there thinking I’m smart and telling the world is something great and compared to these losers it was true seeing as all I needed was a c at int 1 in something to beat them at all there glories put together. As I said this was to good not to reply so I made a simple gesture of saying “thank you for realising I have done something with my life and are far superior to you”

As you can imagine this did not go down well and in a rather bad tune and chorus together and I’m sure some actually forgot the words, they started shouting again. “wank, wank, wank”

Then came “chappies gonna get ya”. Obviously these people must be the worse bunch of pussy (in more ways than one) bastards to set foot on earth. As you can see they had taken offence to my past comment and felt I was in need of a kicking for out doing them at there own game. Of course they said chappy and not them probably because of the fact there scared of me. Like Christ theres 15 to 20 of them there and even then they don’t have the guts to jump me in a group which there dear chappy will do anyway for them. I must be really fucking hard in there minds then if they can’t all take me on but of course they will just try and cover it all up with further insults. Also the fact they will get chappy for there dirty work is funny as he will fuck up either way if he does or doesn’t. Think about it if he does touch me then he’ll just have to deal with another court case and there is no way he’ll get a fine for a second offence on one of his previous victims. And if he doesn’t touch me which is the most likely thing to happen then of course I can carry on walking about a face intact which is far nicer than any of the lassies he’s been going out with lately.

So at the end of all this I have made a fool of a bunch of neds by practically doing fuck all and if these young girls had any brains on them they would realise this and leave them but of course they are the uneducated to and they must stick together.

2003-09-20T17:13:00.000+01:00

The Sport Known As Chappy Hunting

Through out life things have come and gone which have been raved about and then died. We had tamagotchies, buzz light years, yo yos and now we have the sport sweeping ellon known as chappy hunting.

The chappy hunt as most of u all know resulted due to the neds known chappy, Jacks lapdog and many more of there low life mates pissing off a merry gang nicknamed the tolbooth crew. Firstly battering greig and myself, then trying to box in and race snail with his shitty little micra and many other incidents.

The purpose of this great sport is to follow the micra or take him on in a race until he gets incredibly pissed off. The more pissed off he gets the higher your points become. This is how you get points

1 point
This makes him pick up a mate on route and get him to stare out of his window nastily.

5 points
He sends a mate round to tell you that you should respect his driving and leave him alone.

10 points
He sends a mate to tell you that if you should mess with him again he'll kick your arse.

20 points
The little faggat plucks up enough courage to do his own dirty work and threatens you to respect his driving or he will kick your arse

40 points
He carries out his threats and beats you shittless (obviously he has his mates helping him out in what will be at least a 3 on 1 attack)

So far the great competitors that have participated have been given the threat of "aye, min, fit u think ya dein. try maneuvering (couldn't think of the ned word for maneuvering) out again when me and me mate box ya in again and I'll batter ya. min" (obviously the word "i'll" is actually code for "his fellow neds"). So as you can imagine to be a competitor takes a lot of guts.

But what is so great about this sport is also the fact the spectators can get closer to the action than compared to any other sport. Yes people you can be riding in snail, cheesy, wee yanns and fishes car during the hunt as long as you can cope with high speeds (obviously the high speeds are the warm up before chasing chappy and towards the end of the race when you want to show him how good you are and how shit he is, as his micra is so slow). Personally i'm not into high speed and so prefer to watch from outside the starting positon that is the tolbooth.

If you don't have a car then don't worry as you can play in a modified version of the game. You can do what graeme does and wave to the little non educated delinquet which actually got him a remarkable 20 points. You can stand in the middle of the road outside the tolbooth and shout random slur which is my tactic (i know its a poor one but i have no imagination). You could go down to the morning noon and night where him and his fellow neds and little girls paid for by sweets drink there 3 cans of beer, giving you the opportunity to show off how you can walk into the pub with a lassie as she can or looks legally able to drink (unless your greig of course but he's ok cos his HANZA is legal in other departments and has very little left to mature) compared to theres who have just grown there first pubic hair. Or you can make up your own tactic that works well for you.

Both versions of this game have spread and now we have many competitors out doing there bit to become the man who pushed chappy to far. Even last night danny adams, richard and a few others went walking around ellon trying to find the little shit after being confronted themselves by chappys sidekick for no apparent reason a couple of months.

Of course this sport has been branded savaged by a small minority which surprisingly are not neds and are actually well respected friends of mine. All i have to say is all competitors have been pushed into this by the bastard and everything we have done is nothing in comparison to what he did to poor greig and many others over the years. If that isn't enough to suade your mind then just suck ma bell.

So how far will this competition go? Well who knows really but one thing i can say is that trouble with this man will never end until he grows up and starts acting like a human being instead of an undomesticated animal.

2003-09-19T18:37:00.000+01:00

Barny

I got bored and so decided to write another post now instead of waiting till end of freshers week. The title is barny as this is about the number of nights my only remaining friend from bridge of don who’s nickname is barny has made a complete arse of himself in front of many of my current mates from ellon.

The first such incident was during the easter holidays when kelly, neish, clare e, dom, downie, jayne and I came into town to celebrate downies 18th. The night was a classic with many tours around some of the great bars in Aberdeen like archies and Frankenstein’s where we destroyed our livers with cheap beers and test tubes. By midnight we agreed that a visit to the priory was in need of to find downie some fresh meat. Per usual though it was crowded and u couldn’t help knocking peoples drinks when getting pass (or at least I hope that was drink that caused that sticky mark on my jeans). Eventually I get to the front of the bar where I order my usual pint of cheap nasty Scottish beer, which in a place like priory is well over priced and even nastier than usual. While there a tall dark figure comes walking up but due to the bad lighting I can’t make out the face. In a darth vader type voice he asks “are u andrew muirhead”. All of a sudden I feel a slight chill down my spine caused by this man although others will say it was because I stood under a fan. I break the news to the man that I am this sad man waiting for a reply like in the star wars film where he’ll say “u are my fathers, flatmates, former girlfriends, lesbian lovers, brothers best mate” what that makes me to him I don’t know but its probably a random. Instead of coming out with this he jumps at me and starts hugging me. I’m surprisingly a big fan of male bonding but this is going to far. Turned out this was the subject of the remainder of the story my good mate barny who I hadn’t seen for a couple of years. He then attached himself to us for the rest of the night where to every song he would stand with his hands at his side and jump. Despite that he was of good comical value as he was using the sleazy chat up lines and kept on introducing us to folk who he didn’t even know. The most memorable part of that night was when he went up to the bar to get 2 poof juices (Yes people I know that is a disgrace). He then drinks about half of each when he spots 2 lassies who in my opinion looked like the mink with blonde hair sitting near me at the Aberdeen games with a bucket bin full off rotten eggs and fish put over there heads and beaten with a cows udder as the ugly stick went missing. Now most of us would have thought it was bad enough he liked the looks of these mingers but to make it worse he took his 2 half bottles and said “I’ve been saving these for u”. They turn round and say “ there half drunk”. “I got thirsty. Saving them for u is hard work.” Says barny. They walk off in discuss and once again barny makes a prat of himself. We then leave and have Kelly saying that no wonder me and barny are friends cos we’re so alike. Fair enough I purposely go out of my way to be sleazy with women I know for a joke but complete randoms no. This boy is to extreme.

Then 2 months later he gives me a phone call asking if we fancy meeting up for a few pints in town. Sounded good seeing as a few pints shouldn’t harm him but oh no. when he said a few pints he meant a few with me as he was drinking the whole day to celebrate a mates 18th. Great we now have a nutcase. So this man joins me, the legend that is beefy, cheesy and dom in Drummonds where we went to see beefys cousins band play. The night started well and what we could here of the first band in between nobles phone calls telling us dancing with neds at liquid would be better, was not bad. Then 3 randoms from fraserburgh joined are table for the last band where all the trouble started. We’re all hitting the table and jumping and we start to smash a few glasses which 2 of the randoms actually found funny. Then one of the glasses just shattered. The glass still in a normal upright state with cracks in it all over the place looking like veins all over ur arm. Then barny took one last whack to the table and the beer exploded out of it and went everywhere. The 3rd random didn’t like this and started shouting with barny and then eventually the 2 made up or at least we thought. The fraserburgh mink then went to get himself a drink brought it back and whacked the table causing it to all go over barny. Thankfully the last band just finished so we left after that incident and went about the city centre instead. Now after that last incident you would think this drunken lout that is barny would be careful now but oh no.

While walking about we spotted this very fine looking specimen who many lads would like to raft but knew we didn’t stand a chance in hell. Didn’t stop barny though did it. The mad man started asking if she would go out with him but she started to get worried and began to run off. Of course barny can’t take hints and went over the top by starting to run after her shouting “I’m gonna rape ya. I’m gonna rape ya” The woman turned into a complete nervous reck and feared for her life when barny caught up and started shouting “I’m only joking”.

I have never met this boy after that night and I don’t particularly want to unless he is stone cold sober. This article is being written for a purpose though. All you woman staying at Aberdeen better be careful as he is going to rgu and is a threat to your life. He is about 6ft 3inches, black hair, has a lot of acne on his face and his personality is an extreme version of me. If spotted run for ur life

2003-09-19T15:51:00.000+01:00

Unforgettable Moments And Great Friends

I know I have never written a blog before but I felt I had to say some important things about certain events and people that have become memorable. Many of you have not made this list but that’s because a. I didn’t have time. And b. you did nothing big enough to be inserted into this. Many people on this list are probably not as big a friends as those that I have not mentioned but I need to give u a certain thank u. So here is the list.

Wales and Snail
Although two very different people they have often come out with the same end product: drinking mayhem, some of the greatest parties/gatherings and comical arguments. Some great moments involving these 2 would have to be the night we cycled out to JT’s at about 1 in the morning. When I had a gathering with a few of the lads in my garage and wales got so drunk he walked straight through into my house and into my bed and I had to quickly drag him out before my mum and dad found out I had a drunk going about. The greatest party of all time involving the house of wales, snail took a metal chair looking like one from American wrestling and hit me on the head with it a few time before doing the choke slam with the chair on my back. And last but not least the famous argument of “fucking Pauline Murray in the arse would be like fucking goldie in the arse”. These two have been great friends for comical entertainment and also deserve individual thanks from me. First thanks to snail for playing a big part in organising and buying the booze for my 18th and thanks to wales for a reason that will be given further below.

Kelly
I don’t really have much to say about Kelly I’m afraid but I had to add her as she was the main organiser of my surprise 18th. Thank you so much for doing that as it meant a lot to me. I still remember when I opened the door and everyone started firing poppers and pissing about with the light switch which made it look as if I had just gone into bin ladens cave in the middle of a fire fight with the Americans. How the hell I never saw that party coming I don’t know and if I could turn back time I would have done everything up to the moment I got out of snails car where instead of going back into my house I would run round the back and nick the crates of fosters left there and put the surprise on all of you.

Jamie
I always knew this lad would be a big loss but I never realised how much till mechie mentioned some of the arguments and digs we have dished out in our time. Looking back now I know this will be something I will miss dearly. Us 2 have had some of the most pointless conversations of all time for example when Jamie mentioned he wanted to put a brick wall all around England to prevent anyone from outside from coming in and I whole heartedly agreed as it meant I could fill it up with water to make a big swimming pool and drown the English as the water would have no escape. The dispute over Scotland and England has always been one of our strongest topics even though Jamie is half and half (He’s got the cheating from the English and the tight fist with money from the Scottish) but there have been other great one-line cheap shots to do with everything we have fucked up on. Take care big man and hopefully mechie and I will make it down to Edinburgh to meet u.

Bex, Morna, Kara and Laura
My biggest regret of my time in ellon has been only knowing these 4 and many more for a year but already they have mentally scared me for life. This is the reason why I have to thank wales as I mentioned above. Last summer it was bex 17th birthday party and at the time I didn’t know her or anyone from her gang that well. Wales on the other hand knew her and especially morna very well and was told he could invite a few of his friends form our group. Wales asked a couple of us to come to it but we all refused but wales didn’t take no excessive times for an answer and pleaded with us to come. At first I was dead set against going as at the time I thought this group of people at the party had the view I was a prat. Eventually wales got to me as he found out a certain lassie I had a crush on (If u don’t know who this is then where the hell were u for 5th and start of 6th year) was going and soon as it was told to me I knew I had to go. Now if this had been anybody else’s story then we would be thinking that I had pulled this lassie and was going out with her but as we know nothing goes to plan for me. So I didn’t pull and I also walked to methlick to find a chippy at 1 in the morning, which didn’t exist. Despite this disappointment one thing happened which in the long run far outweigh my original hopes of what would conclude from the party. I had managed to meet bex, kara, morna, and laura who have now become 4 of my greatest friends. So thanks a shit load wales and I owe u cos if I hadn’t gone to that party I would never have got to know them. It’s a great shame that bex, morna and kara are going to Glasgow but if they think that gets rid of me then there wrong because I will be down to meet u 3 so get the spare bed covers out for me. And I’ll see u laura at freshers week.

Final Words
Apologies to beefy, cheesy, fish, graeme, mechie, neish, andrea, gareth, jilly, jen, shaw and many many others who have not been added. Hope u all have a great time at uni and create more memorable antics with new people which u will always remember and hope to see everyone together like Monday night at the ministry when the winter holidays come up. Next post will be at the end of freshers week where hopefully i'll have some comical stories to tell.